Gods’ Perfect Timing: Baby Sarafin Coming June 2026

The number 10…

The number 10 represents divine order, completion, and testimony.

Ten years ago, I was living in darkness. Where my sins gave birth to sin, over and over again.

And 10 years ago, in this same time of the year, I took a pregnancy test… and I felt nothing but fear, shame, and guilt. I didn’t feel joy. I didn’t feel peace. I felt alone. I feared what people would think of me. And I had no one giving my mind any kind of hope whatsoever to keep my baby.

And in that fear, I made a decision that broke me.

I aborted my child. December of 2015.

That choice led to years of self-destruction and emptiness, but what I didn’t know then was that God was not finished with my story.

In 2021, Jesus saved me and I gave Him my heart and surrendered my life to Him.

In 2022, He began to heal me, especially from the pain of my abortion.

I have been very open about my life. About the things I have done in my past and the pains that it caused myself and others. It is NOT easy sharing with you all.

If God deems everyone worthy to hear the Gospel Message, then l believe everyone is worthy to see and hear how He is moving in my life!

However, no one actually sees the behind the scenes of my relationship with God when it comes to the times that I have cried out from bitterness, from jealousy, from envy, from anger, or from grief.

I experienced all of this pruning over these last 3 years of God working in and through my heart.

He has shown me, taught me, and freed me from more than I could have ever imagined. Most of all, He has shown me that He IS always faithful to me, to us, the ones He loves, EVEN when we don’t get our way or the outcome we desire, 

Through every moment of grief, anger, and waiting… He met me there.

He surrounded me with people like my lash clients, my friends, my family, and my amazing husband, who constantly reminded me of His goodness.

Who would give me small seeds of hope and encouragement to get me through.

And though I longed to be a mother again, God reminded me that His faithfulness is NOT proven by giving me what I want, but because He gave up Himself. He died on the cross for me, for ALL sinners, so that those who believe in Him shall not perish, but so that we can have eternal life.

10 years ago exactly, was when I conceived the child who I aborted.

And now, exactly ten years later, the Lord has blessed my womb with life again.

Cory and I are expecting a baby!!!!!!

Gods timing, IS perfect. 

And what is so sad to me, is that people will read all of what I am going to type, and still call this a coincidence. They will still reject God. This is by Gods doing. By His sovereignty. His timing. His power. 

But there’s MORE.

****************************************

On Thursday, September 25th, Cory was listening to one of his favorite preachers, Voddie Baucham, as he often does and has done for almost 3 years. 

**Cory has always said that if we ever have a son, we would name him Voddie (voh-dee for pronunciation).**

In the sermon that Cory was listening to that morning, Voddie was preaching about other “giants of faith” in our current time (John MacArthur, R.C. Sproul) and he also spoke about Paul’s final words to Timothy, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith” (2 Timothy 4:7).

As Cory listened, he thought, “Voddie, you can’t go anywhere… you’re one of the greats.”

Later that same day, we learned that Voddie Baucham passed away from a heart attack.

Cory sat in his truck and wept. He actually cried out to God and begged for a son.

When Cory came home, we had discussed of Voddie’s passing and then we began to discuss our friend’s upcoming birthday the next day.

 We were going to a brewery for her birthday and I cheerfully said I was going to share a drink with her. 

Cory felt led to suggest that I take a pregnancy test before I have any alcohol and I looked at him annoyed. Fort the past 2.5 years, everytime he’d made that suggestion, I would get the same answer. NEGATIVE.

But off to the store we went to buy a test. 

As we were driving, a thought came to my mind and I said to Cory,

“Wouldn’t it be so crazy if the day that Voddie Baucham dies, is the same day that we found out we are going to have a baby… and what if it is our son who will will name Voddie…”

That night, before bed, I took the test and two lines appeared instantly.

Two pink lines. 

We both just cried and held one another. The love of God just overcame us. We were blown away. 

This is NO coincidence. This IS GOD!

****************************************

Still don’t believe???

Well, that same morning of September 25th, I was studying Genesis 41 when Joseph translates the Pharaoh’s dreams. 

Pharoah’s had 2 of the same dream. Joseph translates and then in verse 31, Joseph says: 

“The doubling of Pharoahs dreams means the thing is fixed by God, and God will shortly bring it about.”

Two weeks before September 25th, on Friday September 12th, two Michelle’s, both believers, in the same day told me I would be the next one to be pregnant. Michelle at my work and Michelle who is the director at the pregnancy clinic that I partner with. I didn’t put two and two together that day.

It was actually the day after we tested positive where I realized God was trying to speak to me through others. I went to pick back up in my Bible study where I left off, and that is when it all clicked. I saw the last thing I had highlighted said,

“The doubling of Pharoah’s dreams means the thing is fixed by God, and God will shortly bring it about.”

****************************************

STILL DONT BELIEVE?

One of our closest friends, 1 week prior, was out shopping. She felt led to buy me baby items and gift them to me. And she did. I told her, “who knows maybe next year we can use these!” And I immediately placed them in my prayer closet.

LOOK. AT. GOD.

Ten years ago, I took a pregnancy test and felt despair. Last month, I took one and felt redemption.

Ten years ago, I took a pregnancy test and wanted to hide it from the world.

Today, I share with the world a testimony of God!!! 

This is not coincidence, this is the sovereignty of God.

If you’ve been hurt or let down, if you’ve doubted His goodness, let this be your reminder:

He redeems. He restores. He still writes miracles.

We are overjoyed to announce that Cory and I are expecting a baby and ALL glory belongs to God alone.

Radical Redemption and the God Who Rewrote My Story

My name is Candace Sarafin. Before I share anything about me, I want to preface by saying that this is not a story about how I pulled myself together or how I fixed my own life. If anything, this testimony is proof that I could not save myself. This is a story about the mercy, power, and faithfulness of Jesus Christ. A God who takes the most broken pieces and makes something beautiful for His glory.

Gods Word has been the anchor in every part of what I’m about to tell you. Maybe you’re hungry for more of God. Maybe you feel stuck, numb, or like you’ve been carrying the same pain for years and wondering if it will ever go away. Maybe you’ve been praying for someone you love and wondering if God even hears you. I want you to know, He does. And not only does He hear, He answers. But the way that He answers, will often require us to do something that feels uncomfortable, inconvenient, or even impossible. The Bible also says in James 1:22 “But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.” I have learned that there is a radical difference between hearing the Word and doing the Word.

I’m going to be real with you. There will be parts of my story that are very messy. There will be parts that make you shake your head and wonder how God could ever redeem me. Maybe something that I share is something you have also experienced. Perhaps you are in the middle of a similar season right now. Maybe, you’re not yet devoted to Christ and you simply just want to know more about my Faith. No matter the reason, I believe that God is SO faithful, that what you are about to read is at least a seed being planted and He led you here for a reason.

I didn’t grow up knowing what a real relationship with Jesus looked like. I think I may have known Jesus when I was younger, but I forgot all about Him. I wasn’t looking for Him. I wasn’t living for Him. I didn’t know His Word. And yet, He came for me. And if He can come for me, He can come for you, your husband, your children, your friends, even the person you think is too far gone… even your enemies.

So, I’m going to take you through the journey:

•        My upbringing

•        The life I lived before I surrendered to Christ

•        The moment everything began to change

•        The radical obedience He called me to

•        And the lessons I’ve learned about being a true disciple of Jesus Christ

A Glimpse of My Upbringing

I  want to emphasize that I am not naturally a “good person.” I am not writing this and I do not live my life the way that I do because I have a spotless past, or because I've figured life out. I was guilty. I was lost. I was dead in my sin and Jesus made me alive. Ephesians 2 says it so plainly: “And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked… But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loved us, made us alive together with Christ — by grace you have been saved”.

Before Christ, I didn’t just make mistakes, there were a lot of times where I loved my sin. I lived for myself. My life was marked by spiritual confusion, broken relationships, selfish motives, pride, anger, vanity, jealousy, lust, and chasing validation from anyone, anywhere, and in anything that I could possibly find it.

In my childhood, I grew up in a split home. My parents had me out of wedlock and they never married. My dad and stepmom brought me to the Mormon church regularly, but even in that home, there was still abuse and adultery, so while I was exposed to religion, I didn’t see true transformation. My dad was strict about modesty and behavior, but it often came through anger and condemnation, instead of gentleness and grace. On the other hand, my mom claimed to be Catholic, but didn’t practice and took more of a passive, permissive approach. She never warned me about the value of purity or the purpose of sex and instead told me to just let her know when I decided to become sexually active. The contrast between both homes left me very confused about God, boundaries, and what it meant to live in truth – especially as a young woman.

I grew up spiritually confused for a long time, trying to grasp who God really was. I didn’t know what the Bible teaches about salvation, grace, and the authority of God’s Word.

Looking back, it was during elementary school that I really began drifting from innocence. I started doing little things like breaking classroom rules, lying, testing boundaries, and crushing on boys. That didn’t seem like a big deal at the time, but they planted seeds of rebellion in my heart. By junior high, those small compromises had grown, and I began sneaking out, lying to my parents, backtalking, and showing more and more disrespect toward authority. I even became a chameleon in life. Trying to fit in everywhere to be accepted by everyone, no matter what the cost was. And don’t even get me started in high school. I was the cliché party cheerleader that “knew” a lot of boys and often wanted to look cool by shot gunning beers and pounding back liquor. I even had an alcohol ticket at one point for underage drinking.

 The list of my wretchedness could go on and on. Sin doesn’t stay small; it snowballs when it goes unchecked. I was growing farther from God, but I didn’t even realize it because I had grown used to living that way. In my childhood, God only existed behind church walls. Then I became a young adult. This is where I am going to let you in on the longest season of my life as of walking in the darkness and living for the world.

Young Adulthood and My First Marriage

At the end of my senior year of high school, I met the person who I thought was the love of my life. He became my idol. That led to our relationship quickly becoming a place of serious manipulation and abuse and a constant competition with other women. Two years into our relationship, we ended up marrying. He had just graduated from Marine Corps bootcamp, and I believed that this was a new beginning and a fresh start. We moved away from Salt Lake City, Utah to Twentynine Palms, California - away from everything and everyone I had ever known. Once we settled in, our honeymoon phase quickly ended, that marriage became corrupt, and I lost every part of who I was.

My Adultery, Pregnancy, and Abortion.

I want to share something that I do not take lightly. This is the part of my story that is the hardest to tell, but it’s important because sin always has a root, and mine grew in the soil of anger, brokenness, abuse, selfishness, and adultery.

During my first marriage, my ex-husband would yell at me, guilt me, gaslight me, compare me to other women, and pressure me into things I didn’t want to do. He pushed me into sexual sins I never imagined I’d be part of all to satisfy his twisted desires. I fought it at first, but eventually ex-husband’s control, manipulation, accusations, and comparisons wore me down, and I gave in to things that crossed boundaries I never believed I would cross. Out of that season of deceit, manipulation, and my own sinful choices, I became involved with another man. In my loneliness and vulnerability, I compromised my vows and committed adultery.

A month and a half later, I found out I was pregnant. I immediately called the man whom I had an affair with to let him know, and rather him encouraging life, he -without hesitation- suggested abortion and offered to pay for it.

The day that I went to tell my ex-husband that I had committed adultery, things got scary. I became so afraid for my life that I did not tell him that I was pregnant. He even recorded me sobbing on video forcing me to state over and over that I was a cheater all while he shamed me and called me the nastiest names. He let the world know publicly through social media what I had done. I quickly drove to a friend’s house for safety. I was completely broken, and my reputation was destroyed.

My parents came down that same day to pick me up and take me back to Utah. While I was there, instead of turning to God, whom I didn’t know, I turned to the world’s solution: abortion. I sacrificed my child on the altar of convenience. No one stopped me. No one encouraged hope in me. No one spoke truth against the fears and worries in my mind. I was told having a baby could damage lives and reputations. I also felt it would damage my own life and reputation. I was convinced by myself and others that it was the only way. I told myself it would solve the problem.

But the truth is, I didn’t solve anything. I ended a life that God had created. I carried the weight of that choice in silence for years. I also carried the lie that because I had chosen abortion, I didn’t have the right to grieve my loss and that I now had to support a woman’s right to abortion and place myself under the “pro-choice” category. ** Read more about my abortion story here**

My abortion story is not just about what I went through, but about exposing the lie. Abortion is not freedom; it is bondage that only Jesus can set us free from. And although I have Jesus to lean on, I will continue to mourn my loss until the day that Jesus brings me into Heaven.

After my abortion, my ex-husband and I decided to work things out. My secret of an abortion had been eating at me, and I had to tell him something, so I lied to my ex-husband and told him that I had been pregnant and that I had miscarried. Even though I will never know for certain if the father of my baby was my ex-husbands or the other mans, I had convinced my ex-husband that it was his.

Our attempt to fix our marriage only worsened. He ended up deploying and the mental and verbal abuse, even the sexual abuse, restarted miles apart. The void that I left the abortion clinic with grew even deeper. During his deployment, I attempted suicide, I drank a lot, and I tried to fill the emptiness with other things like lust and distraction. Even worse, before he returned, I had committed adultery, again. When he returned, we had a big vow renewal wedding, but that same night, he tried to involve others sexually. That told me nothing had changed. Nothing was ever going to change.

How My Marriage Came to an End

Four months later, my-ex husband started having an affair with another woman. I would often message her and beg her to leave my husband alone so that we could work on our marriage, but she would deny that they were doing anything. He had her fooled and deceived. He told her I was crazy and obsessed and that he didn’t wany to be with me, however at home, he would guilt me anytime I begged for a divorce. I was emotionally exhausted, gaslit daily, and living in constant confusion. One day, after months of spying and following them around, I finally caught them together in person.

Now let me pause at this moment.

Around the time this affair began, two women -Ashley and Toni- invited me to a Bible study. I look back now, and I like to think that God sent them two by two - just like His disciples - to personally save me and plant a seed. At first, I was very hesitant. I was turned off by any talk about God or Jesus, or church, but I was desperate. I didn’t know it then, but God was planting seeds. At first, I didn’t want God. I just wanted Him to “fix” my marriage. I started learning about who Jesus really is… and what biblical marriage is meant to be. I watched the movie War Room, and something stirred in me. In the movie the woman’s marriage is failing, and she cleans out her entire closet and turns it into a prayer closet. She fights for her marriage by surrendering it all to God through prayer and, by His loving grace, God saves her marriage!

I began covering my bedroom wall with prayers for my husband and my marriage. I begged God to save us. But instead, things got worse. I finally cried out to God asking Him for the courage to leave and prayed for a godly man who would love God and love me.

Now, back to where I had paused.

I had finally gained the strength and courage to take my ex-husband the divorce papers. And when I went inside the house, there they were. When I caught the two of them together, it was as if a veil was ripped away. I no longer had to spy to try to get the truth. I no longer had to live under lies, gaslighting, or deception because the truth was standing right in front of me. I could not be fooled anymore.

But instead of responding with wisdom, I reacted in my flesh. I went straight to the woman and woke her up out of bed by pulling her hair. My actions sent me to jail for battery and assault. Now, I know many women might hear this and justify it. In fact, I’ve had women laugh, giggle, or even tell me, “I would’ve done the same thing - or worse!” But that is not biblical. That was not righteousness. That was not the Spirit of God, that was my flesh. Romans 12:17–19 tells us clearly, “Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’”

That morning, I had two choices, just like every day we all have two choices. We can listen to the voice of the enemy, or we can listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit. I could have chosen to walk away in my hurt, disappointment, and anger. I could have left that house and entrusted justice to God. But instead, I reacted out of raw emotion, and it led me further into sin.

The enemy’s voice always pulls us toward destruction, toward anger, bitterness, revenge, and despair. But the Spirit of God pulls us toward life, toward peace, forgiveness, trust, and hope. And ladies, this isn’t just in moments of infidelity or betrayal, this is daily. Every time we’re tempted to lash out, to prove a point, to get the last word, or to demand control, we are faced with two voices. One will keep us in bondage. The other will set us free. Galatians 5:16 says, “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.” The Spirit never forces us. He invites us. The enemy whispers lies, but the Spirit speaks the truth. And we get to choose whose voice we are going to listen to.

By God’s grace, even though I was arrested that day, I was never convicted. The Lord spared me from a record I deserved, showing me even then that His mercy was greater than my mess. And in that moment of my lowest shame, the one who came to bail me out of jail was Cory, the very man who today is my husband, and by God’s transforming power, a man who now fears the Lord.

The start of a New Beginning- Life with Cory

Everyone usually asks, “So, then how did you meet Cory?” Even though I had been going to Ashley and Toni’s Bible study for a couple of months, I was still angry because my marriage wasn’t being fixed the way I wanted it to. Instead of waiting on God’s way and God’s timing, I turned back to my flesh. Out of that anger and disappointment, I invited Cory to go out with me to the bars. And that night, I committed adultery again. I repaid evil for evil. I knew the truth in my head, I had been sitting in Bible study, hearing about God’s Word, but I didn’t let it take root in my heart. I still wanted control. I wanted relief from the pain, and instead of running to Christ, I ran to sin.

When I was going to Ashley and Toni’s Bible study, I remember praying desperately that God would send me a godly man, a man who would love me and love the Lord. And when Cory came into my life, I thought he was the answer to that prayer. He seemed to have all the qualities of what a godly husband should look like. He was strong, he worked hard, he provided, he had leadership qualities. On the outside, it looked like he checked every box. But what I didn’t realize then was that although he had characteristics, he did not have the faith. The most important piece was missing. I found that out the first time I invited him to church. I thought he would want to grow in faith with me, but instead, he made it clear that he didn’t believe. That was when I learned he was an atheist. He thought Christianity was a cop-out for people to not be fully accountable for their actions. I assume he only saw un-repentant Christians.

I began to idolize Cory and his beliefs over growing in my faith – especially when Ashley and Toni moved away. We moved to Bakersfield, CA, and I sank deeper into sin. I began pole dancing, new age practices, and extremely provocative modeling that I would post publicly. I told myself I was “faithful” to Cory, and I was, one the outside, but my heart was still lustful, insecure, and chasing validation. Now working in the oil field, Cory made good money. I became a “trophy-wife”, but without a ring. We lived near Los Angeles. I wanted to be an influencer. We bought whatever we wanted. But our relationship had no covenant, no Christ, and no real intimacy.

I don’t want it to sound like our relationship was bad. In fact, it was quite the opposite. On the outside, it looked like a fairytale. We had honesty and trust, and he truly loved me. He took care of me, he was romantic, and he was genuine. To me, he was the “dream guy,” and I was his “dream girl”, and to many people, we were the perfect couple.

Hospitality came naturally to us. We have always loved having friends over, making people feel welcome, showing kindness and generosity. In a lot of ways, we were “good people.” But here’s the thing: we had goodness by the world’s standards, not God’s. We had love, but not Christ-centered love. We had trust, but not a covenant built on His Word. We had kindness, but not the fruit of the Spirit flowing from abiding in Him. From the outside looking in, we seemed whole, but at the very core, the foundation of Christ was missing.

And I truly believe God did bring us together because even though we were far from Him, He had a plan for us. He was weaving a story of redemption, even before we knew we needed it.

Financial Fall, COVID, and the First Sparks of God’s Pursuit

That “dream life” we thought we were living didn’t last. When COVID hit, Cory lost his job in the oil field. Overnight, our income stopped. We went from expensive dinners and shopping trips to moving into my parents’ basement in Utah. No job, No plan. In my selfish and vain mind, we had “lost everything”. It was humbling. It stripped away my pride and my illusion of control and even more so, Cory’s.

We got engaged in July 2020, but by October, we were on the verge of calling it off. We were stuck in a toxic cycle. When Cory felt disrespected, he acted unloving toward me; when I felt unloved, I disrespected him. Exactly the opposite of what Ephesians 5 commands: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her… and let the wife see that she respects her husband”. Those aren’t suggestions, they are commands. And now I see why. Because in our flesh, we naturally do the opposite.

On top of that, 2020 had us drowning in political idolatry. We were obsessed with the news. Friendships and family relationships were being severed over political disagreements. We convinced ourselves that if the “right person” was in the White House, everything would be okay. But here’s the truth, no president, no matter who they are, can save us. Only Christ can.

At the time, I didn’t see that. I just felt angry, tense, and overwhelmed. I was losing, yet again, another relationship. Living with my parents added more strain. My mom was going through menopause, and I constantly found myself stuck as the middleman, navigating passive-aggressive conversations and conflict. One night, Cory and I watched a documentary about the dangers of social media. I was so frustrated, so tired of the noise, that I permanently deleted almost every platform I had, even my modeling Instagram and TikTok. The only thing I kept was Facebook. I didn’t realize it then, but God was beginning to quiet the noise so I could hear His voice.

A few days later, I was alone looking for a movie to watch. War Room popped up again, a movie I had watched years earlier. And just like the last time, the Holy Spirit used it to pierce my heart. As I watched, I began to wonder, “what if God is real?”, “what if Jesus really did die and rise again?”, “what if Cory is the man I prayed for years ago, and God’s plan was to bring that faith later?” I started praying secretly, tactfully, so Cory wouldn’t see. I prayed for very specific things, so that when God answered, I could point to it and say, “Look, this is Him. He’s real.”

One of those specific prayers was for us to get an apartment by Christmas. This was October 2020, and during COVID, rentals were scarce. But on December 14th, 2020, we got the keys to our new apartment. I beat Cory there that day, and I went from room to room, praying over our home, asking God to bless it, to save us, to redirect our lives, and surrendering my control to Him. Even then, we still fought. On Christmas Eve, it came to a head. I had gone through Cory’s phone, found messages to another woman, and immediately confronted him without grace or compassion. The fight got so bad I left for a couple of hours.

At my mom’s, she tried to comfort me, but I felt God pressing on my heart, “go back”. When I walked through the door, Cory was not happy to see me. He shut himself in the bedroom. I made a bed on the couch and cried out to God, “why am I here? Please help us.” Cory told me that in that bedroom, he heard God speak for the first time, “you’re about to lose the best thing that’s ever happened to you” and he came out to the couch, knelt next to me, and said, “I’m so sorry. I’m willing to work on this.”

Cory and I Begin Turning to Christ

The next day, Christmas Day, I started searching for churches. I knew if God was going to save us, we needed to be where His people were. I found New Creation Church and submitted an online inquiry about their small groups. I figured that if it once began for me in a small group, then perhaps that is where God could meet Cory. The website said someone would respond the next business day, and with the holidays, I assumed that meant sometime after New Year’s. But the very next morning, a woman named Edna called. She shared her testimony and invited us to church that Sunday. I told her that we would be there. Cory didn’t want to go. He only came with me to make sure I wasn’t “joining a cult.”

That first Sunday at New Creation Church was not what I expected. The pastor had been rushed to the hospital with COVID, so his wife stepped in last minute to share a devotional. And wouldn’t you know, she spoke about opening your heart to God little by little. That was the exact phrase I had been saying to Cory, “please, just open your heart to God”. To me, it was confirmation. To Cory, it was suspicious. He thought I had emailed the pastor’s wife ahead of time and told her all our business. He didn’t come back to church with me for the next six weeks.

Radical Forgiveness

So, all of January 2021, I sat in those services alone. Women would pray with me for Cory’s hardened heart to soften with hope that he will soon one day join me. The sermons were topical, and during that time, the topic was forgiveness. They kept reading verses I honestly didn’t want to hear:

“Bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.” -Luke 6:28 ESV

“If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat, and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink.” -Proverbs 25:21 ESV

“Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” -Matthew 5:44 ESV

I didn’t want to do any of that. Every time they mentioned “enemy,” my mind went straight to my ex-husband and the woman he had the affair with. They were married now, with two kids. And I couldn’t wrap my head around how they could be living what looked like their “best life” while I was still dealing with the pain and scars of what they’d done. I had moved on. I was engaged to Cory. But that deep wound? It was still there, unhealed, festering under the surface. Every time forgiveness came up, I’d roll my eyes and think, God, I’m not doing that.

But as the sermons went on, I started to understand that forgiveness wasn’t about letting them off the hook, it was about setting me free. And if I truly believed that God was real, if I believed His Word was true, then I couldn’t pick and choose which commands to obey.

Proverbs 9:10 says, “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight.” Going to church, I really began to fear the Lord, not in a terrifying way, but in a reverent way. He was real, and His Word was not optional. So, in January 2021, I started praying for the two of them every day. I didn’t pray for them through clenched teeth. I genuinely asked God to bless them, to heal them, and to take away my pain. And I kept doing that from January all the way through June.

Godly Wives and Faith

In mid-February, Cory came back to church with me. And slowly, God began softening his heart too. One thing I can tell you with full confidence is this, prayers are not answered based on wishful thinking. Especially for us women, wives, fiancées, girlfriends. You can’t just sit back and pray for your man to be saved if you’re not fully devoting your own heart to God. We can’t expect our husbands to go to church or know God if we ourselves are unwilling to pursue Him with everything we have.

1 Peter 3:1-2 says, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.”

It doesn’t say they’ll be won by nagging. Or begging. Or withholding love. It says they will be won by our conduct, by our walk with the Lord. When we seek Christ ourselves, when we turn our hearts toward Him, our husbands see that fruit. They feel that shift. So many women say, “I’m just praying and waiting for my husband to go to church… then I’ll go too.” Sis, you might be waiting a very long time. I kept going. I kept attending church. I kept showing up to Bible study. I kept praying. I kept worshiping. I stopped being afraid, and I just went. This isn’t me putting myself on a pedestal. This is me saying, do what Christ tells us to do.

If you want your husband to be saved and he doesn’t yet believe in God, who else is going to show him what God looks like, if not the one closest to him? Ladies, we must be courageous. Show up to those small groups. Be in your word, wholeheartedly. Not to check off boxes. Not to think, “If I do this, God will save him.” No. Do it because you want to be near to Christ. Serve in your church. Humble yourself before the Lord. Let Him lead you and guide you. And stop idolizing your husband above God.

When Cory finally started coming to church, it wasn’t because I preached at him. It wasn’t because I guilted him into it. It was because I signed up to serve. There was a Valentine’s event at the church, and they needed an unmarried couple to help with check-ins for the married couples’ conference. So, I volunteered us, and I told Cory last minute. By then, God had softened his heart enough to care about what mattered to me. He didn’t want to go. He wasn’t excited to be there. But he had seen how devoted I had become. He saw the change in my attitude, in my peace, in my posture, and he came. That night at the conference, Cory began to meet people. And by God’s grace, someone gifted us free tickets to attend the marriage conference. We sat in the back and listened. And it was exactly the wisdom and insight we needed, what God needed us to hear, to begin rebuilding the foundation of our relationship.

Importance of Fellowship as a Disciple of Christ

After that, Cory started coming to church more regularly. It wasn’t the fun night that brought him. It wasn’t the smoke machines and music. It wasn’t an esthetically pleasing building. It was Christ’ Word and His loving spirit through His people. Proverbs 13:20 says: “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” The people of God, the true church, became a witness to him. I can always see the words coming from a person’s lips when they are about to say, “I don’t need to go to church or be around other Christians to have a relationship with God”. “Ah, there it is”, I usually tell myself silently.  “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” Hebrews 10:24-25.  Yes, you do.
Even from the beginning, God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18). That’s not just about marriage, it’s about community.

We all face battles, discouragement, and seasons of doubt. God uses other believers to remind us of truth, speak life, pray with us, and even carry us when we’re weak. It’s in community that we learn patience, forgiveness, service, and how to love people different from us. Community sanctifies us. You can’t grow in biblical love if there’s no one to practice it with. Isolation is also dangerous. Satan loves to isolate believers because that’s where he can deceive us more easily (1 Peter 5:8). God uses others to lovingly correct, protect, and restore us when we start to drift.

 If you have a church friend who is always inviting you to come to church or fellowship gatherings and you keep making excuses, but you see the fruit of God in their life, go with them. God is using them to pursue you because He loves you – they love you! Stop saying, “God’s not reaching out to me.” He is. He’s reaching out through them. 2 Corinthians 5:20 says: “Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us.

Valentine’s Sunday was the day Cory came to church with me again, and he continued to come after that. We both made our commitment to our new home church.

By March 2021, Cory was looking for contracting jobs outside of Utah, somewhere with a better housing market and opportunities to work on a military base. He applied in a few different states until he came across one in in North Carolina. He interviewed for a job here on Fort Bragg, nailed it, and was told the position would be his once the current employee moved on. They just didn’t know when. We kept waiting and he kept looking for other jobs just in case.

A Call to Baptism

In April of 2021, something huge happened in our lives. Cory and I were both baptized. In front of our friends and family, we publicly declared our devotion to Jesus Christ. Now, let me pause here for a moment, because baptism is important. It’s not just a religious ritual. It is a step of obedience. It is a public declaration that Jesus is not only our Savior, but also our Lord. So many people hesitate to be baptized. They wait until they “feel ready.” But if we’re honest, the reality is that a lot of people just aren’t ready to fully commit. Deep down, we know baptism marks a turning point. It’s saying, I belong to Christ, and the world is going to know it. And when we do that, we know we’ll be held accountable to live differently.

Every day, people want Jesus as Savior, but not as Lord. Baptism is that dividing line. It’s saying, I’m not living with one foot in the world and one foot out anymore. It’s stepping fully into Him. And listen, some avoid baptism because they really do feel shame, or they don’t feel “good enough” yet. But here’s the truth, none of us are “good enough.” That’s the whole point of the cross! Baptism isn’t about being worthy it’s about declaring, “He is worthy.” Romans 6:3–4 says, “Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life.”

Baptism is a picture of dying with Christ, dying to our old life and being raised with Him into new life. Jesus commands us in Matthew 28:19, “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.”  This isn’t optional. This is the call. And sometimes delayed obedience is still disobedience. The moment you recognize that God is real, and Jesus is true, that’s the moment you are called to be baptized. To publicly take on His name. To bear His image. And to walk out your faith as an image-bearer of Christ. Because when we claim His name but refuse to live in His image, we take His name in vain. But when we are baptized, we are saying to the world, “I belong to Him. I will live for Him. I will bear His name”.

A Covenantal Marriage Takes Three

In May of 2021, Cory and I stood before God and made our covenant vows. Looking back now, I realize just how sacred that moment was, not because of us, but because of what God has done in us. When I’ve been deep in God’s Word, especially in Matthew 5 and Matthew 19, I can’t help but grieve what once grieved the Fathers heart in my own life. Cory and I both came into this marriage with a past. Failed marriages. Infidelity. Hardened hearts. We weren’t victims, we were guilty. We had dishonored what God calls holy, but then… Jesus. He didn’t just forgive us, He transformed us.

What we have now isn’t perfect, but it is holy, because we finally understand what marriage truly is. It’s not a contract of convenience. It’s not built on fleeting feelings. It’s a covenant of daily faithfulness, centered on Christ, not on ourselves. Marriage reveals the posture of our hearts toward God. A casual view of marriage really exposes a casual view of our relationship with Christ; lukewarm. But when we see Christ rightly, we begin to see our spouse rightly too. I’ve learned to ask myself, “would I speak to my husband this way if Jesus were standing right next to me?”, “would I respond like this if I truly feared the Lord?” Because the truth is, He is present. And our marriage is meant to reflect the Gospel.

Marriage was never designed to simply fulfill our longing to be loved or cherished, it was created to reflect the covenant between Christ and His Church. Every time we choose forgiveness, sacrificial love, and faithfulness in marriage, we testify to the faithfulness of our Savior. And to my single peeps, hear me on this: The desire for a godly marriage is not a bad desire. It is a good and God-given longing. But marriage itself is not the goal. Christ is. If you are in Christ, you are already fully loved, already chosen, already cherished, already pursued. Marriage cannot add to that. Paul reminds us in 1 Corinthians 7:34–35 that singleness allows for “undivided devotion to the Lord.” That means this season is not wasted, it’s an opportunity to be set apart, to serve God without distraction, to deepen intimacy with Him in ways that marriage naturally divides.

For my single sisters, Isaiah 54:5 reminds us that before any earthly husband, the Lord Himself is our Bridegroom, “For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is His name.” If you are His, then you already belong to the most faithful Husband there will ever be. If God gives you a husband, it will be so that together you can reflect the gospel to the world. But if He has you single in this season, you are no less loved, no less seen, and no less valuable in His Kingdom.

 Remember, our first goal is not a wedding altar, but the heavenly altar. To know Jesus, to be conformed to His image, and to display His love to the world, whether married or single. To the one hurt by marriage, I’m sorry. To the one who’s caused hurt, there’s grace. To the one who thinks it’s too late, it’s not. God can redeem anyone. He redeemed us. Marriage matters. Holiness matters. His presence in our homes matters. And when we call ourselves Christians, what God has joined together, let no one - not even the one in the mirror - tear apart. And I want to be clear; God is merciful in cases of abuse and betrayal. He does not condemn true victims. But for those of us who were guilty like me, His grace runs deeper still.

Radical Obedience of Forgiveness in Action, and the North Carolina Connection

Now, moving on. This is the point where you can see when my heart truly shifted. Where I could no longer deny that God was pursuing me, calling me to Himself, and calling me to true obedience and the sacrificing of my flesh. God opened a door that I never saw coming.

In June 2021, the other woman who had the affair with my-ex-husband, she had her best friend reach out to me to ask me for help. Because they ended up getting married as soon as our divorce finalized, she was now in the same situation I once was in with my ex-husband, only worse and with 2 young children.

At first, I brushed it off. I was afraid. I didn’t want to get involved. But even after a few days went by, I could not stop worrying about her. And though fear was loud, God would not let me ignore her. This is where 1 Peter 1:6–7 comes alive, “so that the tested genuineness of your faith, more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”

That’s what was happening. God was testing whether my faith would be genuine, whether it would just stay in my prayers and songs, or whether it would overflow in obedience and compassion. I felt Him pressing me to step past fear and show the very grace I had received. Within a week or two after receiving that message, I came across the song, ‘God’s Not Done with You’ by Tauren Wells. I felt a tug in my spirit telling me to send her the song. So, I did.

When I felt that tug in my spirit to send her the song, it wasn’t random. It was because when I first heard it, I immediately thought about where I used to be. If she was in that same place I once was, I remembered all too well what that felt like. It felt like I had no identity of my own, no real personality, feeling insecure, broken, and lost. It was confusing, because I couldn’t even tell the difference between truth and a lie. I was a people-pleaser, trying to be whoever others wanted me to be, while deep down I was empty.

But now, I had tasted the goodness of God. I had experienced His love, His mercy, and His redemption in just six short months of being radically saved. And because I had seen what He could do in me, I had faith that He could do the same for her. So, when I heard that song, the words reminded me that God wasn’t done with me yet back then, and He wasn’t done with her either. I wanted her to know that hope without me even having to say it in my own words. I hoped the song would reach her heart in a way I couldn’t, and that she would hear the truth that God’s story for her life wasn’t over.

          Almost immediately, she replied with a long message apologizing for everything, telling me she was sorry, acknowledging that she wished she had listened to all my warnings, and explaining that she was now in the same situation I had once been in. He had left her for another woman.

I told her I would prefer that we had this conversation by phone, and that very same evening we spoke for 2 hours. She told me that his abuse had escalated — mental, verbal, sexual, and even holding a gun to her head in front of their two little kids. He also didn’t provide for them financially and would often put them in financial binds. She said she had enlisted in the Army just to keep a roof over their heads.

Considering we were both from the west coast, and I was in Utah, and hoping to maybe meet up and reconcile in person, I asked where she was stationed at. She said, “Fort Bragg, North Carolina.”

Gods Sovereignty and Hearing His Direction

My jaw dropped. In that moment, I froze I just sat there staring at the phone. Just months earlier, my husband Cory had been interviewed for a position at Fort Bragg. Out of all the Army bases across the entire country, she had been sent to the exact same one. What were the odds? No, this wasn’t odds. This was God. People often ask, “How do you know when God is speaking to you? How do you know if something is really from Him and not just a coincidence?” This was one of those undeniable moments. There are no coincidences with Him. Jeremiah 10:23 says, “I know, O Lord, that the way of man is not in himself, that it is not in man who walks to direct his steps.”

God is sovereign over every detail, and when our paths cross in ways that simply could not be orchestrated by us, it is Him. This wasn’t random. This wasn’t chance. This was God. And I share this because some of you may be praying for God to give you a sign, or to make Himself real in your life. Let me remind you, He knows exactly how to get your attention. He knows how to place people, conversations, and even locations in your path that you could never arrange on your own. But here’s the truth we all need to hear, sometimes we become so fixated on planning our own way that we start “looking for signs from God” that fit our agenda. We want Him to confirm our plan, rather than surrendering to His. Isaiah 55:8–9 says, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” God’s signs will not always look like what we expect, or even what we want.

She and I began a friendship with one another. She would look to me for guidance because I was the only one familiar with what she was going through.

About a month after that conversation, in August of 2021, she called me again, this time sobbing. Our ex-husband had flown out to Fort Bragg for a court hearing and afterward showed up at her house saying they needed to talk. It escalated into chaos. He destroyed parts of the housing and ruined their children’s clothes. He loaded up her Jeep with his remaining belongings, drove it back to Utah, and left her and the kids with no transportation. She was panicked because she had Army formations she had to attend, and she had already been warned about missing them.

I hung up the phone and just sat there. In my heart, it felt like I had a full conversation with God stretched out over minutes, yet, it was only a split- second thought. It was one of those moments where time seemed slow, and I could feel the Spirit stirring in me. It was like God’s Word was on repeat in my heart, the verses I heard when I first started attending our church and had been reading and studying for months:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink” (Romans 12:20, ESV).

“Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44, ESV).

I looked at Cory and said, “Babe, I think God wants me to give her my car.” And without hesitation, Cory said, “I heard the same thing.” That night, we packed up and drove straight across the country, no hotels, no sightseeing, just alternating driving and sleeping in shifts. When we arrived, we surprised her and immediately saw the need. Her home was in rough shape. The kids’ clothes were spoiled and staked mountain high in the bathtub. We were in disbelief with condition of how my ex-husband had left his family – especially his children.

Hands and Feet of Jesus

Two weeks prior to us taking her the car, Cory had finally received his VA disability back pay after waiting eight months. It was a large sum that we initially thought was just for us. We were able to use it to pay off some debt with some left over. And as we stood there inside her house, with her in such desperate need, we both knew deep in our hearts that the money that we had received wasn’t our money. It was God’s.

Jesus is not physically here to hand people money, food, or shelter. That’s why He calls us, His church, to be His hands and feet. Again, James 1:22 says, “But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.” This was one of those moments where the Word came alive. It wasn’t enough for us to just say, “We’ll pray for you”, we had been called to act. God had provided the resources ahead of time, not for our comfort, but for His purpose. And that’s when we realized obedience sometimes means releasing what you think is yours, so that others can see the love of Christ in action. So, we went to work. We paid to get the car serviced, with brand new tires, we took her shopping for essentials and things to repair walls in her house, and we were able to buy new clothes for the kids.

I cannot stress this enough. We were not her saviors. We were not acting as “good people.” This was the work of Jesus Christ through two very flawed vessels who just said “yes” when He prompted us. After two quick days, we flew home. And during a layover, Cory took his phone off airplane mode and had a voicemail from a Fayetteville number.

Gods Confirmation of His Direction

After playing the voicemail, Cory looked at me with a huge smile filled with excitement. It was the job he had interviewed for back in March, the one at Fort Bragg. The position had officially opened, he was their top choice, and they wanted to hire him.

I can’t even describe the weight of that moment. We just looked at each other, and without a word, we both knew that this was God. It wasn’t because we had somehow earned His blessing or because we were ‘good people’ for helping someone in need. In our flesh, we are selfish. But when the Holy Spirit transforms your heart, obedience begins to overflow and God, in His mercy and grace, delights to confirm His hand in it.

The timing was too perfect to ignore. Only God could have orchestrated it. And in His kindness, He not only gave us the confirmation of this new season, but He poured out blessings beyond what we deserved. We found ourselves packing, buying a home in North Carolina, and even purchasing a new car, on one income, when the world would have said it wasn’t possible. The world warns to never apply for another loan when you’re buying a house, but God provided. We also learned that my two friends, Ashley and Toni, the two who invited me to their bible study in my darkest time, they live in Stedman! Just 30 mins from here. God brought us all back together again.

This was one of those unmistakable moments when we saw that obedience doesn’t cause God to love us more, but it does put us in a place to witness His provision more clearly. He is a good Father who provides for His children, not because of our worthiness, but because of His faithfulness. Matthew 6:33 says, “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” And Romans 8:32, “He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?”

Closing Exhortation

I share all of this not to put the spotlight on me, but to put it where it belongs, on Jesus Christ. If you see anything good in my story, it is only because of Him. Left to my own ways, I was selfish, prideful, insecure, and quick to run when things got hard. But God, in His mercy, didn’t just save me from hell, He saved me from me.

One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned is that God’s Word endures forever (Isaiah 40:8). Everything else in my life was unstable, my marriage, my friendships, even my own emotions, but His Word never shifted. And even in my sin, His Word still rang true. Like the story of the prodigal son in Luke 15, I ran far into sin, thinking I could find freedom there, but all I found was emptiness. When I finally came to the end of myself, I saw that the Father was still there, with His arms wide open, and ready to welcome me home.

I have learned that following Christ is not about manipulating people into change, but about living in such a way that the gospel is visible before it ever leaves our lips. So, take everything I’ve shared today, about forgiveness, marriage, baptism, fellowship, prayer, and staying in His Word, for it all comes down to this: Our entire life is meant to be a devotion to God. We are open vessels for His Spirit. And when we fail, we repent, we humble ourselves, and we point people back to Jesus.

And it does cost us. Jesus said the world will hate us because it hated Him first. I have tasted that rejection in my family, with friends, in beauty school, in the beauty industry, and even in church transitions. My husband and I lost friends when we chose obedience to Christ over man’s approval. But every sting of persecution has only made me cling tighter to God’s promises. Prayer carried me through those seasons. His Word anchored me when I wanted to quit. Following Jesus is not neat and tidy. It will stretch you. It will humble you. It will cost you. But the presence of Christ is worth infinitely more than anything we give up. Joy is found in the cost, because what we gain is Him.

And here I stand, proof of His faithfulness. Over the last few years, the Lord has shown me, taught me, healed me, and freed me from more than I could have ever imagined. He has closed doors and opened new ones. He has given me places to sow seeds into His kingdom and help lead others to Christ. As I have poured my heart out to you this morning, this is where I see God’s divine hand so clearly.

ONE LAST THING….

I found out that I was pregnant with my child, whom I later aborted, in November of 2015. That child was conceived September/October 2015.

EXACTLY TEN YEARS LATER, I am publishing this November 2025.

In Scripture, the number ten represents full completion, divine order, and testimony.  

September 2025… the Lord blessed my womb with life again.

Cory and I are expecting in June of 2026!

** Read more about this confirmation and testimony here **

We could not have scripted that; it was the Lord’s gentle way of reminding us that His Word stands, His timing is perfect, and His hand still writes every chapter. What I once thought was only shame and brokenness, God has turned into testimony. Ten years ago, I was broken, lost, angry, and running from God. Today, I stand before you proclaiming His goodness, His redemption, and His unshakable truth. If He can redeem my life, He can redeem yours. If He can restore my marriage, He can restore yours. If He can help me to forgive, He can help you. If He can forgive my sins, He can forgive yours.

Our God is still in the business of redeeming broken people and restoring what sin tried to destroy. So, hold fast to His Word. Be baptized, be rooted in fellowship, pray without ceasing, and be doers of the Word. And trust that in every cost, every loss, every step of obedience, you will find that Christ is worth it.

My Abortion Story: To My Child, Thank You for Leading me to the Foot of the Cross

What Led to my Pregnancy & Abortion

I want to share something that I do not take lightly. This is the part of my story that is the hardest to tell, but it’s important because sin always has a root, and mine grew in the soil of anger, brokenness, abuse, selfishness, and adultery.

During my first marriage, I faced manipulation and pressure that pushed me into situations I never thought I would find myself in. My ex-husband’s control, accusations, and comparisons wore me down, and I eventually gave in to things that crossed boundaries I never believed I would cross. Out of that season of deceit, manipulation, and my own sinful choices, I became involved with another man. In my loneliness and vulnerability, I compromised my vows and committed adultery.

A month and a half later, I found out I was pregnant. And instead of turning to God, whom I didn’t know, I turned to the world’s solution. I sacrificed my child on the altar of convenience. No one stopped me. No one encouraged hope in me. No one spoke truths against the fears and worries in my mind. I was told having a baby could damage lives and reputations. I also felt it would damage my own life and reputation. I was convinced by myself and others that it was the only way. I told myself it would solve the problem.

But the truth is, I didn’t solve anything. I ended a life that God had created. I carried the weight of that choice in silence for years. I also carried the lie that because I had chosen abortion, that I didn’t have the right to grieve my loss and that I now had to support a woman’s right to abortion.

———————————————————

The Day of My Abortion

My mom had held my hand through many doctors’ visits in my upbringing, however, for the first time she didn’t go with me to the clinic. She dropped me off with my aunt. My aunt held my hand through the whole thing.

A few days before, I had picked up prescriptions. They were anti-anxiety medications (things to make me drowsy) as well as medications to soften and open my cervix. I had to take certain ones the night before and others that morning. I often look back and wonder, where were the Christians that day when I pulled in? Why wasn’t there someone outside telling me there’s hope, telling me about Jesus? Why wasn’t someone who had been exactly where I was, standing outside of the clinic that day to warn me and say, “Don’t do it. It might feel like freedom for a moment, but it’s a prison for your soul”.

And then I just end up wondering, even if someone had been standing outside that clinic that day, would I have listened? Or would I still have walked through those doors? The truth is, I think I still would have chosen abortion, because my decision was rooted in fear and there was no light or hope in sight. Fear that I couldn’t handle motherhood. Fear of what people would think. Fear of being alone. Fear is powerful and it can cloud judgment and drive us into sin if we let it. And the enemy loves to use fear to keep us bound.

But God’s Word tells us repeatedly not to fear. Isaiah 41:10 says, “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” And 2 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” That day, I chose fear instead of trusting God. But today, I can testify that God’s perfect love truly does cast out fear (1 John 4:18).

I don’t remember everything from that day, I think the medications helped my mind to block a lot of it out, but I do remember bits and pieces. I often pray and ask God to help me remember, because as awful as that day was, those were the last moments I ever had with my baby. As gruesome as the details are, those moments were real. And that is why I am going to share what I remember with you and all others in my life. As painful as it can be to share, people need to know the truth. The world will tell you that abortion is quick, easy, and painless. It’s not.

It was painful physically, but it was even more painful spiritually because deep down, I knew exactly what I was doing. My story is not just about what I went through, but about exposing the lie. Abortion is not freedom; it is bondage that only Jesus can set us free from. And although I have Jesus to lean on, I will continue to mourn my loss until the day that Jesus brings me into Heaven.

I remember the waiting room was quiet and filled with other women who seemed emotionally numb, for me the regret already felt so heavy. They took me into the procedure room. No friendly greeting or welcome from the doctor. It was quiet and tense. I dressed down and laid on the bed with my feet in stirrups, already crying. I tried my best to just look at my aunt and dissociate.

The doctor said I would feel birthing cramps as they inserted several thin metal rods to open my cervix. I experienced mini labor contractions. They were so painful that it made me nauseous. Then, I heard the vacuum sound. I was sobbing, wailing, and squeezing my aunt’s hand, and she just kept saying, “It’s going to be okay.” It wasn’t. Before the procedure, I heard the heartbeat. I didn’t see the ultrasound, but I heard it. Afterward, it was gone. I felt dead inside. The nurse, I don’t think she meant for me to see, set the jar on the counter. It was far from me, but I could still see it. The remnants of my child. I will never understand why, but I remember my aunt even took a picture, saying it was just in case I ever wanted to see it one day. I never EVER kept that picture. Afterward, they wheeled me into a recovery room until I could walk again.

And then I left, empty, broken, and stripped of my integrity. That day left a void in me that only Jesus has ever been able to fill.

And yet for years afterward, I sinned more, attempted suicide, and I just tried to fill the emptiness with alcohol, lust, and distraction. I displayed a lot of self-destructing behaviors. I struggled in my relationships with people. I always felt everyone was against me. I could even tell people I was pro-choice. I could say abortion was fine and it was the best decision that I made for myself. But looking back now, I know that I was just in denial, my mind was still blocking the truth to protect me from the pain, and I was spiritually blind.

———————————————————

Exhortation to the Church

Sometimes Christians stand outside of Planned Parenthood with signs that say, “Please don’t kill your baby.” And, I will say, that does not help. That assumes a woman’s intent is to murder her child, when in reality, her heart is consumed by fear. And that assumption comes from root sin of pride because only God knows the heart. Pride points fingers at others and in that moment, with that kind of sign, it’s not meeting her with compassion, it’s immediately calling out her sin as she pulls in, before you’ve even seen her, before you’ve even heard her heart, all while forgetting our own sin, our own idols, our own desperate need for grace. When we stand outside of an abortion clinic, the words we hold in our hands matter just as much as the posture of our hearts.

Too often, women driving into Planned Parenthood already feel condemned before they even see a single sign. The second she saw the pregnancy test, she felt some kind of discouragement, distress, worry, or fear. The second she scheduled the appointment, she felt shame. She doesn’t need another finger pointed at her, she needs compassion. 

Jesus calls us to humility, not superiority. He said in Matthew 7:5, “First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” If we forget that, we risk speaking from pride instead of compassion. What was missing that day were Christians who could stand in humility. Every one of us has sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23).

That’s why I can genuinely hold a sign that says, “I had an abortion… can we talk?”. It doesn’t condemn. It doesn’t play God. It simply says, “I’ve been where you are. You still have free will. But if you want to turn around, I’m here.”

And maybe you’ve never had an abortion. But you still want to walk out your conviction for sidewalk advocacy in a way that really reaches women. I believe our signs should come from a place of humility and love, not accusation.

Instead, imagine if we had signs like:

• “You are loved. You are not alone.”

• “We are here for you - before or after.”

• “We will walk with you.”

And for those walking out, even after the abortion:

• “We are here for you, even now.”

• “Your story doesn’t end here.”

• “You are not beyond God’s grace.”

This doesn’t enable sin. It doesn’t approve of abortion. It simply reflects the truth of the Gospel: that sin is sin, and grace is grace. None of us were saved before we sinned. All of us had to reach a place of brokenness; the end of ourselves, before we turned to Jesus. Why should we withhold that same compassion from women at the clinic?

The goal is always repentance. The goal is always life. But to reach her heart, we must come with humility, confessing that we too are sinners in need of grace. That is how we open the door for her to turn around, whether she’s walking in or walking out. Because ultimately, it is not our words that change hearts, it is the love of Christ working through us.

Planned Parenthood can offer a procedure, but they can never offer comfort. Only Jesus can. They can numb her body, but only Jesus can heal her soul. They can offer a quick fix, but only Jesus can give eternal hope. And that is why it is the mother’s heart we must reach. Because if her heart softens and she finds hope, she can turn around.

Friends, this is what Jesus asks of us as His followers. Luke 9:23 says, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” Following Jesus means giving up our pride, laying down our reputation, and being transparent about our own sins so that others can see His light. We can do this anywhere really.

I’ve seen God use my abortion story to help lead women to Him who have never had an abortion in their lives. Because what they saw was not me, but the humility and transparency of Christ at work in me. They can see and hear of the wretchedness I once lived, and then Jesus. This builds trust. That is the kind of posture that changes hearts. That is how the church stops abortion from being a taboo and starts becoming the place where women come running for healing.

———————————————————

Explaining Disenfranchised Grief

There is a name for the grief that a woman experiences who has had an abortion. It’s called disenfranchised grief. That’s when your loss is real, but the world around you doesn’t recognize it or worse, tells you you’re not allowed to grieve it. Women after abortion face this constantly. Society tells us either: “There’s nothing to grieve, it’s just a procedure,” or “You did something unforgivable, so you can’t mourn.”

Just this year at church, our pastor had all the moms raise their hands to be honored with flowers. He even emphasized that anyone who has conceived is a mother. I remember sitting there with my friend, who also had an abortion, and we just looked at each other. Technically, we had both conceived, but we didn’t have our children with us. It was awkward and painful.

I sat in silence, feeling unseen. Part of me believed I couldn’t claim the title of “mother” because I hadn’t raised or mothered a child. I thought motherhood required years of nurturing, not just conception. I worried that if I raised my hand, people would think I was just drawing attention to myself. But if I stayed silent, I denied the truth that biblically, I do have a child in heaven, and that does make me a mother in God’s eyes. God calls conception as the beginning of life when He knits us together in our mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13). Which means the moment I conceived, I was a mother. It was an uncomfortable moment where I felt stuck between shame and truth. My baby never lived in my arms, but their short life still left me with mother-like instincts (a tenderness toward the poor in spirit and a sensitivity to brokenness in others). In that sense, even in my loss, my child left a mark on me. God sees that, and He still calls me a mother, even when I don’t feel like I deserve it. It may be a hard truth to remember at times in this world, but I have faith that when I join Him in Heaven, I will be fully healed from this grief. If you’ve felt these things, you’re not broken, and you’re not alone. Your grief is valid. And it does matter to God. One of the hardest parts of disenfranchised grief is how isolating it is. I have often noticed that when a woman miscarries, the world, her family, and her friends will all mourn that loss with her. They bring meals. They send flowers. They cry with you. But when you’ve had an abortion, the loss is still the same, it’s still your child, but nobody mourns with you. The silence can make the grief even heavier.

And I’ll be honest, in my mourning, I’ve brought a lot of anger to God. Anger at myself for even choosing abortion. I get angry when people always seem to want me to be one of the first ones they tell when they find out they’re pregnant. I have gotten angry and questioned God wondering why the man who paid for my abortion already has a baby of his own, while I’m still waiting, still trying to conceive. Angry that I haven’t been able to get pregnant and have my re-do with my loving husband in a healthy Christ-centered marriage. I’ve been to what feels like a million baby showers, smiling on the outside while my heart breaks inside. Truly, I am happy for my friends, but I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t sad for me or slightly jealous.

Then, I get angry with myself all over again. Because I remember the Gospel. I remember that Jesus died on the cross for me, and that my sin is forgiven. Then I feel guilty for feeling angry at all, and I start thinking, “Why am I even throwing this pity party? I’m selfish. I’m mocking Christ’ sacrificial love on the cross.” It becomes this swirl of emotions, grief, anger, guilt, shame, all mixing together. And yet, even there, God doesn’t turn me away. He meets me in the mess and reminds me that His grace is big enough for all of it.

In those moments, I’ve had to turn to God, not hiding my feelings, but telling Him plainly, “Lord, I am angry. I’m hurting. Help my heart heal.” And every time, He meets me there. He reminds me that He is big enough to handle my honesty, and gentle enough to carry my pain.

Now, years later, as my husband and I have been trying to conceive, I find myself grieving differently.

I’m not just mourning the sin anymore; I’m mourning my child. Who were they? Would it have been a girl or a boy? What would their laughs and cries sound like? I often think of the life they never lived. I’ve prayed for God to reveal their name to me, but it hasn’t happened yet.

Because I can’t hold my child here, what I can do now is speak and lead other women to choose life, and to love those who still believe abortion is the answer.

———————————————————

Transparency & Loving Others

The Bible says in John 8:32, “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

Speaking of our stories, even the ugliest parts, brings them into the light, and light brings life.

Proverbs 18:21 says, “The tongue has the power of life and death.” When I speak life over my abortion story, when I refuse to hide it in shame, it gives my child’s life meaning and purpose. Transparency opens the door for others to be honest too, and love grows in the soil of honesty.

We are called to speak the truth in love. That means not just shouting “Choose life!” at people but living out the fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control). The Holy Spirit changes hearts, but He often uses our gentleness and our willingness to share to plant those seeds.

Whether you have had an abortion or not, we can all share these truths with patience, kindness, and self-control, trusting the Holy Spirit to do the heart work.

I’m not writing this because I’ve figured out how to undo my past. I’m sharing because Jesus has redeemed it. He took my guilt to the cross and gave me a new life in return. That same forgiveness and healing are available to you no matter what your past looks like. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” If your spirit feels crushed due to abortion, He’s near. Your grief is real. Your baby’s life mattered. And through Jesus, your story doesn’t have to end in shame it can end in redemption.

———————————————————

Forgiveness Sets Us Free

Here I am, 10 years later, and I’ve realized something vital: true healing requires forgiveness. Not just forgiving myself, but forgiving everyone in my story. My ex-husband for the manipulation and control that planted destructive seeds in my mind, the man I had an affair with who helped pay for my abortion, even the abortion doctor, and even those I once blamed for not being there to stop me.

Four years ago, God convicted me with Matthew 6:15: “If you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” That verse began a long road of surrender. I thought I had forgiven, but this year the Holy Spirit showed me I was still holding on to roots of unforgiveness — bitterness that surfaced whenever I encountered people who reminded me of my past.

So I obeyed. I called my ex-husband, not to excuse him, but to release him. I admitted my own sin in the marriage instead of blame-shifting. I asked forgiveness, and by God’s grace, I was able to point him to Christ.

I also felt led to repent to the other man. I reached out through his wife and told her what I needed him to know: that what we did was sin, and I was sorry for my part. I wanted him to know that Jesus had set me free and made me new. She told me he still mourns the loss of my child, but he also knows that Christ has forgiven him. That reminder showed me that God isn’t only working in me, He’s working on the other side too.

Forgiveness isn’t just something we ‘should’ do, it’s something Jesus commands us to walk out in obedience. And when we obey, it humbles us. I can’t forgive anyone else until I first remember what Christ has already forgiven in me. The cross has to come first. Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” When I realize the weight of what Christ has forgiven in me, I am able to forgive myself and others. Forgiving myself meant believing the Gospel and that Jesus’s blood was enough even for my abortion.

If I hate myself, if I hold onto condemnation, then I can’t really love others the way Christ calls me to. But when I forgive myself, forgive others, and receive His grace, I am finally free to love others. 1 John 4:19 says, “We love because He first loved us.”

Forgiveness humbles us. Humility opens us to grace. Grace empowers us to love. And love is what this hurting world desperately needs to see.

When I forgave others, repented for my own sin, and forgave myself, I finally made room for His grace to heal. That is where true freedom begins.

———————————————————

Closing and Call to Action

Before I close, I need to be honest. I believe the body of Christ has, in many ways, has enabled abortion to remain a taboo topic. Even in pro-life churches, abortion and post-abortion are rarely spoken of openly and lacks compassion.

If we really want to put an end to abortion, it requires both what happens on the sidewalks and what happens inside the church. They go hand in hand. On the sidewalks, we stand in humility and compassion to reach women in crisis. But in the church, we must also create safe spaces for post-abortive women to bring their stories into the light.

Who better testify about the truth of abortion and redeeming love of Christ after, than those who have walked through it themselves? Just like any other sin. How can they testify if they never feel safe or encouraged to speak? How can healing begin if the very place meant to carry each other’s burdens keeps this burden locked in silence? Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” We need to encourage our sisters in Christ to share their abortion stories, so they can heal, and to glorify Jesus. Their grief is real, their babies’ lives mattered, and their testimonies could save countless others.

If we want the world to see Jesus, we must first be willing to show how He has saved us from our own sin. Only then can His light shine through the darkest stories.

Ten years ago, I was living in darkness.

Today, I am standing in the light. Only God can do that.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” — 2 Corinthians 5:17

God has been showing me that He is the author of redemption, and that His forgiveness covers even the most painful parts of my story. If you are carrying guilt or shame from your past, I want to encourage you to bring it into the light. Confess it, release it, and let God do the healing. Sometimes, it’s not about fixing the past, it’s about letting God transform it.

And when we truly surrender our story to Him, He turns our deepest pain into a testimony of His grace.